The Astronian Inquisitor rsz


Following the release and financial success of the latest useless gender-swap film, it has been announced that Martin the Warrior's ghost is going to make a cameo appearance in the recently-announced 2017 film "Ghostbusters 4". "Although the Warrior won't be receiving a gender-swap this time, many fans will be pleased to know that Timballisto's ghost will be Assistant Special Effects Organizer alongside the esteemed Michael Bay." says Scientific Advisor Egbert the Scholar. While Martin's ghost does indeed make an appearance in the film and is on the set, he has been avoiding the paparazzi since filming began.

"When we called his home phone, he wouldn't pick up. When we emailed him, he wouldn't reply. When we throw paper airplanes with the message written on them at him, they just go right through him. He really doesn't want to talk about it." says Director Paul Feig. While the Warrior seems to regret his decision in joining the cast and crew of "Ghostbusters 4", that hasn't stopped him from coming in to work every day. Talk about a need for money.


  • Ungatt Trunn awards himself Double Hero Gold Medal p. 5
  • Donald Duck's Twitter outrage at Mossflower's demonization of his species p. 7
  • Swordmaid's meltdown on Twitter now being called a "Trissyfit" p. 3
  • Handsome redneck's granddaughter names her newborn son after him p 12
  • Honeybees initiate an embargo with the Guosim p. 2
  • Jabez Stump Tower collapses after 23 seasons p. 13

Salamandastronflag-tiny POLITICS RW-Flag-tiny

Because you didn't already have enough to worry about.


In one of the strangest Twitter Declarations of Embargo ever, the United Confederation of Honeybees in Mossflower (Ucohim) has renounced and terminated all trade contracts with the Guerilla Union of Shrews in Mossflower. The Declaration was made by Her Majesty Queen Anthophila III on August the 16th, and will not affect at all trade communication with their remaining partners. While this means possibly more honey for the Redwallers and Astronians, it is unknown when Anthophila will crack again, shutting down all trade communication entirely.

Royal Embargo


Queen Bukkla Claidemír is still very much alive despite four assassination attempts this last week. She is currently continuing her reading lessons outside her tents, despite the two poisoned arrowheads lodged into her back. Reports have it she still is holding onto the shredded cloak of her first would-be assassin Count Alaheim Whomir. Her shieldmaidens have to keep her chained up at night so she doesn't try and kill the former Count before his trial. "Och, we put up six h'iron bars jas' on th' door. Not tah keep him in, but tah keep 'er out." says Her Majesty's husband Saighon O'Tarleigh.

Both Salamandastron and Redwall Abbey sent messages wishing Her Majesty a quick recovery, and it appears that their prayers are working. She was more than well enough to give birth the very day that the second attempt failed. The newborns were named Eldhón and Byrnie.